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This is a poem about John Shuttleworth, Who for me is a great source of mirth, All the voices for John and his family are done by Graham Fellows, John’s wife Mary you could never describe as mellow, Graham does all the voices for John’s family and friends, John often drives Mary round the bend, John would deny that Graham Fellows exists, After all he’s not on the shopping list, At times John’s wife can be quite scary, And of her John’s quite wary, John is a versatile singer songwriter, But I think he’s more of a lover than a fighter, At the start of their relationship John won Mary’s heart, You could see there was quite a spark, As their relationship started there was romance, Especially when John took her out to a dance, But now they are passed the honeymoon stage, Now they’ve reached, middle age, In their relationship Mary wears the trousers, Nowadays John is quite good at using web browsers, Their son’s name is Darren And their daughters name is Karen, Both their kids are almost grown, And Darren the nest has already flown, He moved in with Plonker, as his house mate, So if he chose he could go to bed late, Darren works at Victoria Wine, John drops in for plonk, from time to time, Once John wanted Mary and Karen to dance the Irish jig, But they wouldn’t which made John feel not very big, But then out of the blue, They started dancing, their legs simply flew, As they danced the Riverdance, Around the room they did prance, By Mary great food is John fed, And when it’s late she says “John, time for bed”, He always says “I’ll be there in a mo, I’ve nearly finished recording my show”, To his shows he is a slave, But with Mary he rarely misbehaves, But once Mary shouted, “Its 3am John, it’s very late”, Personally I think John Shuttleworth is so rubbish he’s great, She shouted when they were purchasing a toaster on eBay, The worry about winning, up made him stay, They had put down a maximum bid, For a penny short of a quid, But unfortunately this item they did not win, So a new toaster search had to begin, Thankfully another one was found, This one for a penny short of a pound, And even better, it had a higher spec, Pleasing Mary, by whom John is very hen pecked, Even better they could travel to pick it up by car, Because Hathersage was not too far, So they drove via Burbage out in the countryside, They had a really lovely ride, This also saved on the postal cost, So John was glad the first toaster bid was lost, Even though up late he did stay, Worrying about that bid on ebay, Every few months he empties the crumb tray, This instruction from Mary he does obey, Sometimes John gets a gig from his agent Ken, And John says “Oh great, Ken, when?” But his audience usually doesn’t fill an arena, One time he failed to get Mary a new vacuum cleaner, She was so upset, John she left, And when she was gone John felt bereft, Without Mary, John was completely lost, So he always gets new vacuums, whatever the cost, Generally John gets gigs at a Nursing Home, And he’s often stood there on his own, John is accompanied by a keyboard, And is rarely asked to do an encore, John doesn’t get paid; he just gets petrol money, I don’t think that Mary finds that fact funny, They may often only have 2 pennies to rub together, But I don’t think they’ll split up, no not ever, Mary works as a dinner lady in a Primary school, And generally John’s wife thinks he’s a fool, So for John money is often quite tight, With his wallet feeling rather light, I don’t think you could describe John as cool, But for me he’s definitely a loveable fool, Sometimes John’s constant music gets Mary’s head ringing, She just wants him to stop his music and singing, She’s says “Oh John, shut up, love, You’re doing my head in, good heavens above”, She must have the patience of a saint, But a saint we know she really ain’t, So sometimes John buys Mary flowers, Especially when he’s gone on for hours, He’s very well behaved and always does his chores, And Mary he simply adores, With her he’s really rather under the thumb, To me he’s a great source of fun, I don’t care that some people might call him cheesy, Because his antics really do please me, He’s definitely my cup of tea, He makes me laugh, he is funny, Ken his agent has a rather squeaky voice, But for me he’s my favourite character of choice, You never see Ken, just the back of his hair, Waving his arms in the air, He had a wife, but they always did argue, Probably even over a nice barbeque, Later Ken was filled with remorse, But it was much too late, so they are divorced, Ken likes his takeaway curry, To eat it, he always comes home in a hurry, He also likes his Peshwari Naan bread, Once his friend Roger smashed a Papadom on his head, Ken went on a talent show, And he put on a jolly good go, Unfortunately he didn’t come first, In fact he was the worst, That’s right, he came dead last, But while playing his saxophone he had a blast, The show was called New Faces and was in 1973, After coming last, Ken was not at all happy, They have a neighbour friend called Joan Chitty, Where do they all live? Only in Sheffield City, Once Joan helped paint the window sill, But at this job she was not very skilled, So she got paint on the window pane, And when Mary got back, John got the blame, Loitering Youths, Surly and aloof, Not the types of lads you want to meet, After dark in the street, Their time is not well spent, They’re loitering with intent, They hang around the off licence and somehow get booze, These loitering Youths, One time John wanted to buy, for Ken, a birthday bench, But he had two lovely wicker chairs, so no, was his defence, But John said on the chairs was mildew, Ken said “No, that’s crayon, done by my nephew”, I always wonder what was true, Nobody for sure really knew, We know what John really thought, The crayons story he never bought, Yes this one story he did not buy, He just thought, oh Ken, nice try, Later John said “I’m putting your present through the door”, A bench, through the door, made Ken unsure, The present came through the letterbox, What it was had Ken quite foxed, It wasn’t a birthday bench hitting the floor, It was just a pack of drinking straws, They cost just fifteen pence, So Ken said “Where is my birthday bench?”, Then Ken said something rather bold, “Well, the bench I could have sold”, John said “You can’t sell a gift” About this idea John was seriously miffed, John wanted to enter the Eurovision Song Contest, Because he felt his song ‘Pigeons in Flight’ was the best, Of the song contest John is a big fan, He’d enter for Norway who always got ‘Nul Point’, But he couldn’t, they said there was no way, That he could enter and sing for Norway, So instead he got a Norwegian Who is called Jahn Teigen, He’d sung for Norway in the competition before, Though as a Norwegian he got a very low score, But, Jahn, he murdered John’s song, For John thought he sang it all wrong, He did this by singing it far too high, So John to Jahn had to say goodbye, He had to bid Jahn adieu, And start to look for somebody new, He found Katrina and the Waves, And she his Eurovision dream did save, But I suspect it was all just a dream, When Katrina became his Eurovision Queen, When everyone gave her douze point And all of Europe, of John’s song became a fan. With John, I’m his number 1 fan, Of this very funny man. Sylvie Wright April 2017 |
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POEMS 4 - MAIN MENU John Shuttleworth should be Prime Minister, |
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aka John Shuttleworth should be Prime Minister, I think John Shuttleworth should be Prime Minister, Maybe you think that sounds a bit sinister, But I think he’d be really fair, And that he really would care, I don’t think he’d be a Tory, But he’d restore Britain to its former glory, He’d probably be more of a Socialist, And under him great policies would exist, The Deputy Prime Minister would be his agent Ken, They’d work in Parliament, by Big Ben, His wife Mary is Minister of Shopping, To him she delegates, Minister of Mopping, So what’s the meaning of life, I think it’s to have fun, But fun cannot be had by everyone, For instance in the Sudan, A boy often doesn’t live to become a man, And if you’re a girl, It’s an even tougher world, Often girls don’t go to school, They often don’t go as a rule, Some on their 12th birthday do marry, Getting pregnant before they miscarry, Tragically being a very young wife, Damages their health and their life, Kids walk miles for dirty water, None comes from the taps, like it oughta, Making them ill and too weak to cry, Unfortunately many of them do die, But maybe the meaning of life is sex, Let me explain, you look perplexed, Sex addiction is sweeping the nation, Leading to lots of babies through procreation, Lots of babies means, many, many Kinder, Whose disputes with parents, are solved by Judge Rinder, No, thinking again, the meaning of life is to have fun, When all is said and done, If John Shuttleworth was prime minister, if he won, He’d definitely make life more fun, If John was Prime Minister, this is the thing, He’d make us all his song to sing, Two Margarines on the go, That’s how the singing would flow, And all the pigeons would take flight, Either in disgust or delight, I tell you this secretly, between you and me, John Shuttleworth for prime minister it should be, He’d solve all our problems from this day forth, As fun solutions our problems would dwarf. Sylvie Wright May 2018 |
